the girl i was then

for the first time in a long time, i listened to megiddo today. i was in my car driving, and by the time i got to the fourth song, "fall away", i was parked, and in tears. listening to that record brought up so much anger and sadness and frustration and loss and pain that i still carry in me after all these years. it is so strange to hear the voice of the girl i was then, before everything went down, before i started destroying my body, before virgin records let me down, before jeff buckley died... and listening to it, i felt so old. sitting in that car, alone, crying for my lost youth. man... that's pathetic. and i'm only 26...

i feel such a pressure (from myself) to live a big life, to make every day monumental, to do important things... so i am often disappointed in myself for all the days when i take time for granted or indulge in being neurotic and self-absorbed (and there are many!). when i look back, i have done a lot. but i don't look back a lot. i am one of those people who live in the future, always planning, plotting, predicting... i might achieve a lot in the external world in my lifetime--i may have already--but i will have achieved very little if i can't learn to live my life as it happens, to indulge in the joy and feel all of the pain, as it happens. not 8 years later sitting alone in a parked car.

Lauren Hoffmanmegiddo