my blessed life
it is a beautiful spring day in downtown new york city, and i am happy; i live a blessed life, and for maybe the first time, i truly appreciate it.
i have spent a lot of my life feeling angry, feeling isolated, feeling disappointed. now, as the days come and go and i feel peaceful and fulfilled, i have a hard time believing that it is so. i am a little suspicious, waiting for the doom to fall. i was in the habit of unhappiness for so long, it is hard to change. sometimes i find my mind running off into the future, trying to solve problems i don't have, whipping up a little storm of anxiety, and i stop myself and look around and realize: there is nothing to solve, there is nothing wrong, i am totally fine. how odd...
i have been writing a lot, playing my guitar a lot, feeling inspired again, and it is beauiful. i feel i have been making the right choices in my life because the muse visits me.
but when i go out to the clubs, when i get a whiff of the music 'scene', the music business, i get all fucked up inside. i get this strange mixture of extreme longing and extreme repulsion. i want to belong, to be recognized, to be accepted... but run from being scrutinized, criticized, evaluated and measured. and so i have been trying to be patient, singing and writing alone in my room, waiting for the muse to tell me if it is time to do more.
since i have been in new york, i have also been getting back into dance and yoga. it is so so nice. modern dance is largely unknown to mainstream america, but it is this amazingly dynamic and expressive artform, with that vitality of the underground. i am not a really great dancer, but i love it, and i am good enough to keep up, which means i get to take class with some very inspiring dancers and choreographers (jennifer nugent, oliver steele, alexandra beller, david dorfman, etc). class with them is, for me, like an interactive concert. it is a place where i cannot help but take notice and be grateful for my blessed life.