i can't sleep

i can't sleep. i've been sick for a week, and the first thing i am doing tomorrow is cancelling my cable subscription. television makes my soul hurt. now i am lying awake with a feverish mind although the worst of my sickness has passed. it is my ambivalence that keeps me awake--the forces that fight within me, a struggle that gives me no peace...

because julie and i were both sick, we had to cancel our show on saturday. i felt really bad about it--guilty, let-down, angry at my stupid body for being ill... but there was a part of me that was relieved. that part of me is the part that fucking hates getting on stage in front of people, that hates having my picture taken, that dreads and fears success and attention and all of the eyes that that would bring.... and yet, it is my only calling, to sing and to write songs, to play music... for people... who watch...

life is full of paradoxes. you take the good with the bad. you look at what you want, you assess the costs and decide if it's worth it. ayn rand wrote that "in any compromise between food and poison, it is only death that can win"... i take this to mean that if you compromise your means to reach an end, you will never reach the end you sought; success that took compromise to achieve, is a failure in disguise. so when i try to figure out what it is that i am trying to achieve in my life, i must also look at HOW i want to achieve it. i thought of this while watching the lord of the rings the other day... what does the 'one ring' represent? is it's evil in the taking of power that is undeserved? or is it in that it inspires a lust for power so blind that one would use immoral means to achieve it?

it is hard to find a role model these days, someone to look up to. so much selling-out is accepted, compromise is everywhere. i want to see people fight for themselves and work hard for the things that feel truly good in their hearts... i want to be strong enough to do it myself.

Lauren HoffmanLilas