hangovers are so cool . secretly goth

well, it's finished: we dropped off karmen's record to be mastered yesterday. 
last night, to celebrate, we went to a friends house and listened to the record while playing "i've never" and drinking buckets of red wine. by two a.m. i remembered why i don't usually drink. i was perched over the john promising god that i'd never drink again… again. 
i didn't drink all last fall, and i had been sober for most of the last three years, since just before megiddo came out. but when i got my heart twisted up into a little knot (how did that happen? i thought i had sealed up to tightly to get fucked with again?) something changed in me and i thought maybe i should stop expecting so much from myself, why should i be so stoic and perfect? why should i have such high standards of myself that nothing i do could ever be good enough? i don't know why smoking and drinking are so tied into that, but they are. maybe it's cuz i am somehow humbled by my weaknesses and i think that it's important to stay in touch with your humility.

'shut up and listen' was pretty cool on thursday. johnny st. ours was better than the first time he played. he was kinda like a young tom waits. karmen's set was a little weird. i thought she sounded great on the songs that she played by herself but when we were all onstage it felt off. maybe we should practice once in awhile! then atsushi miura played. he was great, he has a beautiful voice and this bashful japanese thing going for him that is entirely endearing. there's this song called 'i don't have umbrella' that is breath-taking. he went on a little longer than i expected so it was late when i went on. i shortened my set but i had a good time. i played my new song, 'never meant to be', and that was a little bit terrifying. but all-in-all i felt really free and i liked the audience; mostly friends, and all of the guys from bella morte and rebecca and tony and vanessa made up a little goth section in the back, and since i secretly wish i was goth (the black nail-polish and nosering don't give me away, do they?), i was all excited that they were there. 
my dad didn't come though. neither did my sister. 
oh well.

"drink up baby, look at the stars, i'll kiss you again between the bars, 
where i'm seeing you there, with your hands in the air, 
waiting to finally be caught…"